Unzipping Lips, Sinking Ships
by darkmark111
Summary: Abandoned. Ron's gay and housing an escaped Japanese love slave in his dormitory, Hermione's a drug dealer, Draco is pregnant, the Shrieking Shack is a frat house, Snape is the school counselor, and then there's 'Dumblewhore'...sound interesting?
1. In the Beginning

Unzipping Lips, Sinking Ships

Summary: Ron's a gay ninja, Hermione's a drug dealer, Draco's pregnant, Hogwarts becomes a nudist colony, and Snape is…the school counselor? Is Harry the only normal one left in a world turned upside down?

Chapter 1

"Stupid girl…" Severus said as he graded the last of the essays. Clearly she had not been listening in class. "Well, what else can you expect from a Gryfinndor?" He muttered, annoyed. Then there was a loud knock at the door.

"Enter." Severus growled. He really wasn't in the mood for visitors.

Dumbledore strode in, a strange twinkled in that eye. "Severus? Is this a bad time?" He asked politely.

"No, not at all." He lied.

"Good." Dumbledore smiled. "Then I have a small request."

"What is it?" Severus sighed.

Dumbledore's smile grew. "As you know, the threat of Voldemort has been growing in the last year." Severus motioned for him to continue. "Well, some of the students have been having some problems." He paused.

"Go on."

"We thought it might be nice if they had someone to talk to."

"And that would be…?"

"Well," Dumbledore grinned, his eyes alight. "That would be you."

He froze. "What are you on about?"

"A school counselor, Severus. And I think you would be just perfect for the job."

"What?" he sputtered. Before he could stop himself, he cried, "Man, are you _off your rocker_?"

"No, I am not."

"But – no, I won't do it!" he yelled in protest. There was simply no way. Severus, a counselor? The man had lost his marbles!

"Yes you will." He replied flatly. "Otherwise, I believe your pay will be at stake."

"You're – You're –" But he couldn't even think of a word. "I can't believe this!"

"Believe it."

"But _why_?"

"I have my reasons." He smirked. "Now, students can hand in slips to their professors or to me to schedule a session. But that will take place after your training."

"_Training_?" Severus hissed.

"Yes, training, which will start now."

Severus banged his head on the desk.

"Okay." Dumbledore sat down. "Now, if a student has any violent problems, such as cutting, drugs, murder, et cetera, you will need to report them to me. Or just give them the old Memory Charm. Alright?"

He stared blankly at him.

"Right-o. Er…that's about it."

He was still staring.

"Er…are you okay?"

Severus didn't reply right away. "I'm not doing this. This is insane."

"Oh, you're doing it." Dumbledore said. He smiled and nodded sickly. "You're going to do it.

"You're a sick, sick man, Albus." He replied with a defeated tone.

"Hey." Dumbledore stuck a finger in his chest. "You try having Tom

Riddle as a student and staying normal. It's not a very yummy piece of cake."

Severus gaped at him and tried to forget that he had described anything as 'yummy'. "I hate you."

"Well, I hate you back." He replied. "Now get to work. Pin your hair back and get some square glasses. I'll send words to the professors."

"Yeah, you do that. I'm just going to go hang myself." Severus said sorely.

"Oh, can't it wait until after your first session?"

Severus sighed. "Fine. I'll do it. God knows this could be interesting."

"Splendid!" he cried, clapping his hands together. "I'm off now."

"Alrighty then."


	2. Kaozi, the Japanese Love Slave

Chapter 2

Harry looked around at his friends. Ron was attempting to dye his hair pink and Hermione was rolling some joints for a first year. He thought about Sirius.

If only Sirius was here, he thought, he would love one of those joints.

"Hermione, did you borrow my Michael Jackson record?" Ron asked. He tapped his head and his hair turned yellow with green polka dots. He frowned.

"Um…no." Hermione looked at him skeptically.

"What about my Rod Stewart? Where did that disappear to?"

"I dunno. Maybe you accidentally stuck it in one of those hats we were making last night."

"You're still making hats for those elves?" Harry asked.

"Yes." Ron said, grinning. "I made a lovely pink and yellow one last night."

"No orange?" Harry asked, trying not to grin.

"Harry!" gasped Ron. "I'm surprised at you! You know pink and orange totally don't match."

"Right." Harry thought. A groan came from under the table. Harry's brow furrowed. "Ron…"

"What? I couldn't just leave him up there all alone while we went to class." Ron said, looking innocent. Kaozi crawled out from under the table, moaning. He was dressed in his black ninja outfit. A samurai sword hung on his cloth belt. Kaozi was Ron's sparring partner…and love slave.

"Ron, you can't keep him." Hermione said. She was now filling needles with heroin. She flicked the needle. A table of fourth years nearby drooled.

"Why not?"

"He's draining my supply."

"Oh, come on!"

"You act like I have an unlimited amount, but I don't." she told him.

"Well what else are the greenhouses for, then?"

"Ron…"

"He can't help it! He has an addition, so what?" Ron said. Kaozi licked his ear loyally. "Oh, thank you Kaozi!" He giggled.

"My name is Herpes." Kaozi said in a monotone.

Hermione and Harry chuckled.

"Er…it's the only English he knows." Ron blushed.

"My name is Herpes." Kaozi motioned for the heroin.

"No, it's mine! Get your own!" Hermione cried, yanking the needle away.

"My name is Herpes!" Kaozi cried. He jumped on the table and automatically went into stance. He would have attacked Hermione, but his foot was stuck in a bowl of cornflakes. An owl nibbled on his ankle.

"MY NAME IS HERPES!" he screamed in pain. He got his foot out of the bowl, tripped on the owl, and toppled onto Hermione. The heroine needle found its way into her neck.

"My name is Herpes!" Kaozi squealed. He watched as the heroin drained into Hermione's veins, then burst into tears. Ron patted him on the back.

"It's okay, Kaozi, there will be more." He said comfortingly.

"My name is Herpes?" he asked naively, confirming it.

"Yes, of course." Ron soothed. "Isn't he cute?" He whispered proudly to Harry.

Harry, who had been watching all of this, merely nodded.

Just then, McGonagall stood up at her seat and began to address the Hall. "Attention students! We have a new school counselor. To schedule your session, turn a slip to any professor with your name, house, year, and reason for a session. Professors may also refer students to the counselor. If the counselor sees that there is a reason for further counseling, it shall be without question."

"Who's the new counselor?" A Hufflepuff yelled.

"Professor Severus Snape." McGonagall said with a bit of a smile. Whispers went around the hall.

"My name is Herpes." Kaozi said in utter shock.

"I agree." Ron said, rubbing Kaozi's back. "I agree."


	3. Couples Counseling

Chapter 3

Transfiguration was first. Ron, Hermione, and Harry settled themselves into their seats and waited for Professor McGonagall to come. Kaozi hid under the table obediently.

When he went to go scavenge some old Bertie Botts, Harry noticed Ron was talking to his pocket and giggling. He leaned over.

"Ron, I thought you had gotten rid of that thing." Harry whispered. Ron jumped.

"W-what? I don't know what you are talking about, Harry." He sputtered.

"You know, in your pocket – "

But he didn't need to finish his sentence. The little figurine hopped out of his pocket. It was Viktor Krum, and was talking in the real Viktor's voice.

"Oh, you idiot, look vhat you've done now! You've gone and exposed me!" he shouted. Though he was only about four inches tall, his voice was surprisingly loud. The class went quiet and Kaozi's shuffles stopped.

"Shut up! Get back in my pocket!"

"No! I don't vant to! It's hot in there!" He protested. He jumped on Ron's index finger, which caused Ron to howl with pain. Laughter flooded the classroom, but died as Kaozi approached Ron, standing his full height. He had a menacing glint in his eye that worried everyone. Ron gulped.

"My name is Herpes?" He asked sharply, which probably meant something along the lines of, 'Am I seeing what I think I am seeing?'

"Kaozi, just get back under the desk so you don't have to go up to the tower."

He crossed his arms over his chest. "My name is Herpes." Which sounded like, 'I'm not leaving until you tell me the truth.'

"You don't understand."

"My name is Herpes? My name is Herpes? _My name is Herpes?_" He said quietly as he bent close to Ron's face, and they guessed that it meant, 'Are you cheating on me, Ronald Weasley? After all we've done for each other? _After all we did in bed?_'

"Kaozi, it's not like that."

"My name is Herpes. My name is Herpes." He said with a finality that everyone recognized, and they thought it to mean, 'I know how it is. I'm getting us couple's counseling.'

He put Ron in a headlock until he could sign a slip. He then placed it on Professor McGongall's desk and took a seat.

Professor Snape unnecessarily shuffled papers as he prepared for his first client. The square glasses Dumbledore had recommended were making him fuss. He took them off and threw them out the window.

"There, that's better." He muttered.

A knock came to the door. "LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Which was Snape-language for 'Come in'. They entered cautiously.

"Professor Snape? We're not late, are we?" Weasley asked.

Oh God, Snape thought. He's wearing pink robes today. _Pink_. And who's that Chinese boy?

"Sit down." Snape said wearily. He wanted to add, 'before I _Avada Kedavra_ you', but he decided against it. They sat facing him, both looking grave. Then there was an uprising in the front of Ron's robes. Snape turned red and tried to look away, but found he could not. Then the robes popped open and Snape cried out in horror.

But it was not what he had thought at all. A tiny statue of Viktor Krum jumped out and onto the desk. "I vant to be included it this." It said.

"Erm…alright…" Snape said. "Let's begin…I guess. The slip you signed said 'Relationship Problems'. Details, please, Weasley."

"My name is Herpes (My name is Herpes!). My name is Herpes. My name is Herpes. My name is Herpes! My name is Herpes, My name is Herpes! MY NAME IS HERPES!" The Chinese boy yelled. They all stared at him.

"Vhat he's trying to say is, 'I am Kaozi and I ran away from Japan, where I was being forced to marry a woman (ewww!). Ron took me in. He fed me and clothed me. Then he made sweet love to me on a bed of roses! And now, after all that, he cheats on me with his tiny statue from Bulgaria! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS!'" The statue translated.

"Er…okay. Right then. Well, not that I really care, but how do you feel about this, Little Statue Person?" Snape asked sardonically.

"My name is Viktor. I feel like a victim in all this. I feel like Ronald took me for granted, and now I am the 'other voman'. I am very mad at Ronald right now." He glared at Weasley.

"Right. Your turn, Weasley." Snape felt a smile pulling at his lips, but ignored it.

"Well, I feel absolutely horrible about my actions towards Kaozi and Viktor. I'm so sorry! I just want us all to get along!" He flung himself in Snape's arms, sobbing. He used Snape's robes as a tissue. Snape tried to ignore the fact that his wand was sitting very nicely in his back pocket, and with one spell Weasley could be wiped off the face of this earth. As he knew he could never really fulfill that daydream, he began to sniff a little himself.

Weasley finally composed himself. He went back to his seat, red faced.

"Do you want to hear what I think?"

They all nodded.

"I think you should all just go be gay together." Snape was being drastically sarcastic, but they did not understand that. He shuddered when he saw them all begin to grin.

"Oh, I'm so glad this is finally solved!" Ron cried, applying lipstick. They left, holding hands and humming a song from The Sound of Music.

Back in his office, Snape began to shudder convulsively.


	4. The First Session

Chapter 4

The Second Session - and Some Other Stuff

As he knocked on Snape's door, Draco found he had butterflies in his stomach for the first time in a very long time. He gulped and, when he heard Snape's call of, 'Enter!', turned the brass doorknob. The door fell open with an eerie squeak. He stood their briefly, then made his way into Snape's office.

"Draco, are you here for your session?" Snape asked, polishing his square glasses and tying back his hair.

"Yes sir." Draco sat in front of Snape's desk. He was patting his stomach very softly.

"Well, what's the problem boy?" Snape inquired bluntly.

"Erm…sir, I er…slept with a girl recently." Draco admitted, going pink.

"Good god, did it get stuck _again_? I told you to use the Astroglide –"

"No! No, it …um…didn't get stuck. It's just…" He couldn't finish. It was all too horrible. The room was spinning, but he dare not faint. He steadied his gaze on the end of Snape's nose and willed himself to a steady consciousness.

Snape bent very close to his face, so close, in fact, that Draco could feel his hot breath. He tried to lean backwards, but the back of the chair prevented him from doing so. He felt as though he was in a tropical jungle, with the combination of Snape's greasy locks and his humid breath. "Draco…is she pregnant?"

"No." Draco half-smiled, and patted his stomach again. "I am."

Snape seemed to freeze. "What?"

"I am. I'm pregnant, Professor. Oh! It's kicking! Feel." Draco grabbed Snape's hand and placed it on his stomach. Indeed, there was something alive in there. Either that or his intestines were writhing like garden snakes. "Isn't it wonderful to think that there is life inside of me?" Draco cooed, smiling mildly.

"Good great fuck!" Snape screamed. With that, he fled his office.

Ron stared at Viktor in disbelief. "You're kidding me. You can't fit up there!"

"I can too, Ronnie. I did it last night vhen your vere asleep." Viktor grinned slyly.

"Really? That was you? I thought that was Kaozi…well, anyways, it gave me one hell of a fantasy. Heh heh heh!" Ron laughed, slapping his knee. Viktor stared at him.

"Erm…right. Vell, I'm going up now."

"Oh…oh Viktor…_thank you_!" Ron squealed like a little piggy.

"RONALD WEASLEY! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" Hermione yelled. She had walked in to Ron bent over, grinning, his trousers around his feet.

"Oy Ronald! I found a quarter!" Came Viktor's irrepressibly loud call. Ron smiled at Hermione weakly.

Draco left Snape's office, slightly confused, and sought to find Granger. _She has to be around here somewhere_, he thought vaguely.

"Oh duh. The library." He slapped his forehead in an extremely gay manor and went to the place Goyle called The Room with Lots of Weird Paper Thingies with Words.

He found her in the back, looking like she was recovering from something traumatic, and rolling a page from Quidditch Through the Ages to smoke cocaine with.

"The thin paper burns faster." She explained, sprinkling the white powder in.

"Ah. Well Granger, I've found you to tell you something."

"And what might that be, Malfoy?"

"Er…as it turns out, I'm pregnant."

She dropped the joint in surprise. "What the hell!" She stared at him for a moment, then picked up the joint again, brushing it off delicately. "Get out of here. I need to smoke. I've had too many strange encounters today."

Sighing, Draco turned around and went one of the shelves to pick up a copy of _Your Magical Maternity_ on his way out.


	5. Unzip Your Trousers and Be Free!

Chapter 5

Unzip Your Trousers and Be Free!

When Draco woke up the next morning, he made a mad dash to the bathroom. Luckily, he got there just in time. After he finished retching, he found that he craved chicken. No, wait! The idea of chicken disgusted him. He retched again. Now he wanted an éclair. Yes, that sounded good.

He picked himself up off the floor, got dressed, and sighed, rubbing his face. "Bloody hell." He murmured. He went down to breakfast slowly, rubbing his hand over his midsection all the while. To think there was life growing inside of him…it nearly made him weep.

When he made it to the Great Hall, he noticed something strange. None of the teachers were wearing any clothing.

"Hello Trelawney." He purred. Then his eyes drifted casually over to Dumbledore. "AAAAAAAAHHHH! MY EYES! MY EYES!" He fell to the floor. "STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL!" He screamed. Eventually, the fire was put out. A seventh year sitting near him was kind enough to restore his eyesight. It would have worked splendidly if his eyeballs hadn't been burnt to a crisp.

"Dammit." He said. "His fat saggy ass caused me to go blind. FUCK YOU DUMBLEDORE!" He yelled, hopping like an angry monkey on what he thought was a table. It turned out to be Millicent Bullstrode. She promptly shoved him back on the floor and squashed him into a pulp. When he fell into the predicted vegetative state, Dumbledore began to speak.

"I would like to make an announcement." He said, tapping his glass with a spoon. The hall was quiet, in a dead shock at his nudity. In fact, it would have been completely silent if not for Kaozi, Ron, and Viktor in the corner. Dumbledore decided not to wait until the spanking noises subsided.

"Hogwarts is now a legalized nudist colony." Screams were heard throughout the hall. Dumbledore went on. "We will be turning the grass areas by the lake into a beach. We will also be installing tanning chairs. Oh, and all your clothes will be burned tonight. Thank you, you may go back to your breakfast now."

The hall was dead silent - even the spanking had stopped – until Goyle yelled, "What the fuck?"

"Ten points off Slytherin!" Dumbledore yelled back. Draco turned to the boy sitting next to him.

"Do you think breakfast tastes better when you're naked?" He asked. The boy shrugged. Draco sighed and stripped down.

"Draco, you're getting fat." Pansy said.

"No I'm not. I'm pregnant." Draco said, no scruples attached.

"And with whose child, may I ask?" Pansy inquired, pursing her lips.

"Granger's. Oooh, don't like that, do you?" He chuckled coldly.

"PROFESSOR SNAPE!" Pansy yelled. "PROFESSOR SNAPE, DRACO'S MOLESTING THE CORN FLAKES AGAIN!"

Draco's brow furrowed as laughter flew up into the air. "What the hell, Pansy! I told you it was only once! I'm not even sitting by cornflakes!"

She flicked her wand. A bowl of corn flakes set itself down in front of him.

"Shit." Draco said dejectedly, and shamelessly fondled the cereal.


	6. Only For Minnie

Chapter 6

Only for Minnie

Severus walked into the office and read the slip on his desk. It read:

_Harry Potter_

_Emotional Problems_

_Eight o' clock tonight_

Severus sighed. Potter. Damnable Potter. Why did he have to sit here and listen to that insufferable arrogant brat drone on and one about average teenage drama?

He sat and masturbated until Potter came. When he heard a knock at the door, he went on until he came and then let Potter in.

"Sit." He ordered, slightly out of breath. Potter gave him a funny look but did as he was told. He slapped his face on both cheeks and then sat back in his chair and stared at Potter. "So what seems to be the problem?"

Harry looked uncomfortable. "It's complicated…" he said meekly. "I'm not sure you'd understand."

"Try me," Snape growled, which was really code for 'Let's get this over with.'

"Okay…" Harry shifted in his seat. "I think…I think I'm in love with Professor McGonagall."

Snape gasped. "Potter! She's seven times your age!"

"I know, sir…that's what I wanted to ask you about…you see, I'd never done - erm - _it_…I guess she hadn't either. I just wanted to know…how exactly do you go about _it_?" He asked.

Snape stared at him madly. "You want me to tell you how to have sex!" he shouted.

"Shhhhh!" Potter ordered. "Not so loud! But yes, that is what I want."

Snape rubbed his chin. "Mmmmm…well, okay, but only for Minnie."

_Minnie?_ Harry thought, but kept it to himself and waited for Severus to begin.

Draco peeked around the corner. No one there. He crept to the door of Snape's office. What were those noises coming from inside? His forehead crinkled. They sounded…_kinky_. Quickly, he stuck his head inside to get a better look.

"Like this?" Potter asked, moving back and forth.

"Well, yes, but at that time you must grab her breasts."

"Ew." Potter whispered. "Like this?"

"Yes, precisely." Snape bit his lip, trying not to smile. He giggled boyishly. "Now put your face down there." Snape pointed.

"WHAT? HELL NO! I AM NOT GOING TO EAT YOU OUT!" Potter roared in protest.

"Shut up! She'll want you to do it, you know…"

"Whatever. Oh, God –"

Draco, half-disgusted and half-up, reached in his bookbag and retrieved his Ominoculars from within. Despairingly, he erased his footage of a stoned Ginny and Goyle and began to record.

Forty minutes later, after the screams had subsided, his clicked the Ominoculars off.

"Excellent." He said, smirking.

"You had better really love her, Potter, for me to transfigure my money maker and allow you to perform those acts on me…all for Minnie, correct?" He raised his eyebrow.

"Right." Potter replied, buckling his belt. "And on a side note, is Dumbledore serious about this naked thing?"

Severus' nose wrinkled. "I suppose…it really is disgusting though. Now it will be so awkward…let's just pretend this never happened, alright?"

"Okay." Potter nodded, though he planned of telling Ron about it in excruciating detail. But Severus didn't need to know that.

As Severus walked into to Defense Against the Dark Arts the next day (he was the substitute), he saw a sea of sick, smirking, and pale faces. His eyebrows furrowed. Should he be curious? He shrugged it off and went to the front of the class. He was blinded by the projector.

"Ugh, Draco, could you turn that off?" He asked. Peals of laughter ensued. "What? What are you laughing at?" Swiftly, he moved out of the way to view the projection.

It was he and Harry on the wall.

_Shagging. _


	7. Facing The Music

Chapter 7

Facing the Music

For the next to weeks, wherever Severus went, he received spitballs and rolled-up condoms to the back of the head and snide remarks to the face. Someone even wrote 'VAGINA' on his forehead while he was asleep in the teacher's lounge (he suspected Flitwick, but he had no proof). As much as he hated this, sex with Harry had been worth it. _Shit,_ He thought. _I _hate_ Potter, too. This sucks ass._

Life for Harry wasn't much better. When he flew into the stadium in a Quidditch game, all the Hufflepuff girls flashed him. Their small and insignificant breasts spelled out 'SNAPEFUCKER'. He snorted at this and went on flying.

Whenever he went in the library, Madame Pince burst out into uncontrollable giggles and, if Justin Finch-Fletchley happened to be there, his hair would burst into flames. Nobody ever quite understood that.

Meanwhile, Hermione had been soliciting drugs to first years when Professor McGonagall approached her. Quickly, she shoved the coke into her pockets and looked innocently at McGonagall.

"Er…alright, Professor?" She grinned.

"May I talk to you, Miss Granger?" McGonagall said quietly, pulling her away from the children. She looked very solemn indeed. Hermione's heart dropped.

"Erm…sure, yeah." She said calmly. They went over to a dark corner where they could speak in private. "So…what's this about?"

"Miss Granger, I know what you are doing."

At that moment, Hermione's nose started to bleed. Then she vomited all over her shoes.

"Oh shit. Let me clean that up." She said. "_Scourgify._ Okay, now, what were you saying?"

"Er…how much for a pound of crystal methanfedimine?"

"I'll give you a bargain. How about thirty galleons?" Hermione was grinning. She couldn't help it.

"Yes. Alright. But this never leaves this very secret, secluded dark corner in the middle of this busy hall, alright?" She nodded.

"Sure." McGonagall started to walk away, but Hermione caught her arm. "And Professor? It's thirty percent pure, just so you know. Don't sniff it all in one place." She beamed.

McGonagall nodded again and was off.

Next, McGonagall went to find Ron. Most likely he was with that statue and his Japanese love slave. Suddenly, an idea popped into her head. She made for the Room of Requirement.

Slowly, she entered the room. Sade was playing softly. The room was bathed in soft candlelight, and the sheer crimson curtains on the four poster bed were closed. Many different sounds were coming from inside. McGonagall, giggling, called, "Mister Weasley? Are you in there?"

She heard a scream, and a naked Ron tumbled out of bed. "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!" He roared. Then, upon seeing who it was, his face went red and he covered himself with a velvet red sheet. "I mean…what can I do for you, Professor?"

"I need you to set me up with Harry. I know he likes me…he just won't admit it." McGonagall said. "Could you?"

"Well, sure." Ron said gaily. "Ohmygod. We so have to get you a new wardrobe." He ejaculated.

Turning a deaf ear to her protest, Ron rushed out in his sheet and steered her down to Hogsmede.


	8. The Devil's Panties and Harry's Broomsti...

Chapter 8

The Devil's Panties and Harry's Broomstick

"I can't believe," McGonagall seethed to Ron, Kaozi, and Viktor, "That you bought me a thong."

"It'll look great on you. I promise! I have one myself." Ron giggled. "I call them 'The Devil's Panties'!"

"I call them disgusting." She held up the thong, revolved at the red tint, the lace, and the satin lining inside.

"How can you say that?" Ron cried, and patted her arm. His other hand was covering his mouth. "They're so comfy!"

"So what?" she hissed.

"They'll make you look sex-y." Ron said in a singsong voice.

"TWENTY POINTS FROM GRYFINNDOR!" She screeched, her face going red. Her hat fell lopsided.

"Oooh, touchy, aren't we! Is it nerves? I'll get you a cold pack."

"I – DON'T – NEED – A COLD PACK!" McGonagall roared.

"Fiiiiine." Ron said, standing away from her, and butt raping Viktor. "Don't say I didn't try."

"Please remove your finger from in-between Mr. Krum's buttocks, please." She said meekly, her face turning red once again.

"If you say so." Ron agreed glumly, but brightened once he smelled the finger. "Aaaah. There's no smell like fresh ass in the afternoon."

McGonagall gritted her teeth. _In five hours, I'll be fucking Harry. I'll focus on that. _

Immediately, she felt relaxed. A little smile played on her lips. She could almost hear him screaming.

"I'll catch your snitch Mister Potter…I'll fly your broomstick…" she caught herself muttering. Ron started to grin.

"Is Minnie having a fantasy? I think she is!" He giggled. Kaozi burst into peals of laughter and Viktor chuckled gruffly.

"Shut up. We need to go find Harry." She said quietly. Grinning, the three followed as she led their way to the Quidditch Pitch. She thought of Harry's broomstick all the way there.

Hermione sighed as Draco approached her. She couldn't believe he was pregnant. And she refused to believe that he was happy about it.

"I informed Mum and Dad today." He said, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"And what did they say?" she sighed, not looking away from her firewhiskey.

"Oh, they were positively enthralled. They kept talking about all the different ways to kill me with a curling iron. It was really exciting." She clapped his hands together and sighed.

"Yes…sounds like it." Hermione bit her tongue to keep from laughing.

"Now," Draco said as he sat down. "I wanted to talk about names."

"Oh dear God…" Hermione sighed, banging her head against the book.

"How about Alfonso if it's a boy, and Henrietta if it's a girl?" Draco mused, rubbing his chin.

"Abso-fucking-lutely." Hermione said dryly, just hoping to end the conversation. Unfortunately for her, it didn't stop there.

"Or perhaps Angus. Maybe Bobina?"

"Please, Draco. Stop. I need to get high. I haven't smoked a joint in three hours. Do you know what that does to a person!" she cried frantically, spilling weed in the process. "GODDAMMIT!"

"Fine." He spat. "I'll just name it Bobina then."

"Yeah, you do that." She said.

"I'm in shock." He said in a manner suggesting shock. "I can't believe you'd just leave me like this."

"……."

"Fine. Don't say anything. See if I care." He dashed away, tears streaming down his face.

Meanwhile, at the Quidditch Pitch….

"Just breath." Ron soothed McGonagall when she was finished vomiting. "I'm sure it will be fine."

"Yes." She said, wiping the bile from her chin with her new thong. "Okay. I think I'm ready."

Ron gave her a little shove and off she went. Harry was sitting shirtless, wiping the sweat off his ripped abs and biceps. He was so tan…how did he get that tan?

"Erm….Harry?" she asked timidly, sitting down next to him. His hair was wet. He shook it and looked beautiful.

_If I were a guy_, McGonagall thought vaguely. _I would be so hard right now. _

"Yes Professor?" he asked innocently.

"Do you want to fuck – I mean be my boyfriend?" she smiled nervously.

"Sure." He shrugged. "C'mon, let's go to the locker room." He took her hand and dragged her towards it.

"I can't believe this is happening to me." She whispered.

Later, as Kaozi, Ron, and Viktor stood to listen, many shouts could be heard:

"Ten points to Gryfinndor! Oh, oh – Thirty points! TWO THOUSAND POINTS TO GRYFINNDOR!"

The trio nodded as if to say, _Our work here is done._


	9. Dumblewhore and The Frat Pack

Chapter 9

Dumblewhore and The Frat Pack

"Harry…" McGonagall moaned as he left kisses down her neck. Normally, she would take away points for this sort of thing, but who cared? She was having sex with _Harry Potter._ That was a really amusing slap in the face to all those punk ass bitches that were actually his age.

She ignored approaching footsteps.

"Minerva," The Headmaster's voice floated towards her. He sounded rather excited. "I need to talk to you."

"Please, can't this wait?" she asked. She was rather enjoying her anal massage.

"No, it's important." He urged.

"Dammit. Harry, please remove your hand from my buttocks. Thank you. We shall continue this later, and yes, I am raising your grade in Transfiguration to an O." she added, cutting off his question. He beamed at her, and she returned it whole heartedly.

Dumbledore whisked her away silently. He looked like he was about to burst with the information he withheld.

"What is it?" she hissed when they were in a secluded area, more commonly known as the little witch's room. Dumbledore ignored a terrified look from Ginny Weasley as she walked swiftly out.

"I can no longer preserve my youth, Minerva." He whispered.

"Well, that's no secret." McGonagall replied dryly, smirking. She indicated his beard. The staff knew that a piece fell into his coffee every morning, but no one had told him until a week ago.

"Shut up." He glared. "I'm sorry, I've beat around the bush. What I mean is…I think I've found a way."

"What?" She prompted.

"It'll take a couple of beauty spells, a youth potion or two, but…I'm going to become a gigolo." He said, stifling a giggle.

Needless to say, she was floored.

Ron grinned as Viktor tried desperately to lift his penis. "Just too big for you, isn't it?"

"No, no, it's not. I can do this." Viktor panted.

Ron looked up, laughing. "Anyways Harry, what were you saying?"

Harry, who had been watching all of this, was lost for words. "Err…"

"Something about a fraternity or whatever?"

"Oh, yes. Ron, I want to start a fraternity at Hogwarts." He smiled nervously.

"Now, explain."

"A fraternity is a house where a bunch of stupid, horny men get together to drink alcohol and fuck girls all day and night. Or, guys, in your case. And you get into one by drinking until you nearly die. It's a really brill organization, if you ask me." He smirked.

"Hmm. Sounds fun. Do we have to do any work?" Ron inquired.

"Nope. We're a bunch of slobs, remember?"

"Vould it be just Gryfinndor?" Viktor said from below.

"Probably not. If we included the other houses, we'd probably get more girls that way." Harry shrugged.

"Sounds good." Ron smiled.

"Indeed." Viktor agreed.

"Great. Now, we need about forty gallons of firewhiskey, a bunch of skanks, and somewhere to stick them all in one place. What do you suggest?" Harry frowned.

Ron and Viktor thought for a moment, then smiled and said:

"The Shrieking Shack!"

Harry grinned maniacally. "Let's make it shriek."

Draco dabbed at his eyes with his tissue. "And then, Granger said, "…..". I mean, can you believe that!"

Snape stared at him. "Yes, Mr. Malfoy, that is truly unbelievable."

"That's exactly what I said! I mean, I don't really want to name it Bobina."

Snape raised his eyebrow.

"I don't!" Draco protested. "I really did like Henrietta better…"

"So it's a girl then?" Snape questioned.

"I'm pretty sure. I can feel her boobs on my rib cage."

"Wow, that's interesting." Snape's eyes grew wide.

"Yes, I know. I've told everyone in Slytherin about it. They still think I'm lying…" Draco shook his head sadly.

"Imagine that." Snape sighed sarcastically. He looked down at his notes, which consisted of drawings of Draco's head exploding. He sighed again and added more brain to the wall behind him. There, that was sufficient. Now, more blood on the carpet –

"Professor?"

"What?" he asked irritably.

"Will you – well, this may be a bit forward – but will you help me raise her? Granger really doesn't seem to be up to the job, the filthy mudblood…" He grumbled.

"No." He said flatly. "You're forty-five minutes is up, Mr. Malfoy. Good day."

Draco left, sobbing. Somewhere in the world, perhaps there would be someone he could love. Maybe they stared at the same sky he did, saw the same stars –

Oh, but wait. It was daytime.

This made Draco sob even harder.

"Yes, and put the cake there. Emma can pop out of it at the opening tonight." Harry waved his clipboard to the spot he was speaking about. Crabbe and Goyle set the cake down there. "Good. Now, where's Hermione? She said she was bringing the coke."

"Harry." Came a voice. Harry turned around. A handsome, young man was standing there. He had twinkling blue eyes, short-cut brown hair, and a lively smile. Harry couldn't help but feel like he had known him before.

"Yes. Who are you?"

He laughed in a strangely victorious way. "It's me, Harry. Professor Dumbledore."

Harry gaped at him. "What? Who are you, really?"

"Seriously, Harry, it's me. Do you want proof?"

Harry stared at the man skeptically. "No. Never mind. Dumbledore or not, we're starting a fraternity house here. Would you like to be a member?"

"Sure."

"Great. Will you sign here? It's for insurance liability –"

"Wait. One more thing. Call me Dumblewhore."

"Er…okay. Dumblewhore." He added awkwardly. "Just sign here."

So he did.


	10. The Perfect Party

Chapter 10

The Perfect Party

"Is everyone ready?" Harry called, standing at the door, ready to fling it open at any second. "Ron, stop that, wait until we open, goddamit!"

Ron zipped up his pants guiltily, and Kaozi stood up off the ground.

"Okay. Here they come." Grinning, Harry flung open the doors.

There was absolutely no one outside, and the chirping/sex noises of crickets were all too apparent.

"Horny….horny…." Ron bounced around. Kaozi whispered to him, and he stopped.

Harry looked angry. His lip was all sucked in, and his eyes were narrow. Why he was hard was a mystery to everyone. "Roger. Did you deliver the flyers?"

Roger Davies looked confused. "What fliers? Oh, no, I shat on them."

"You…you shat on them." Harry restated, looking as though he was trying to understand. At that moment, Kaozi, Ron, and Viktor broke out in screaming laughter.

"Ah – hahaha – that is fucking _classic_!" Ron howled, rolling on the ground, Kaozi under him.

"Well, this is just great! Now nobody's coming. What the bloody hell are we going to do now?" Harry cried angrily.

"Excuse me, Harry," Dumblewhore cleared his throat, "But if you would like, I could tattoo an equivalent of the flier on my ass and run around Hogwarts naked."

Harry stared at him for a moment. "What the bloody hell do you want in return?"

"A rim job. From Draco." He answered candidly.

Harry coughed. "Whoa-ho-ho….okay…recovering….well, I'll see if he's up for the….the job. Yeah." He looked away. "Justin, get the tattooing needles, and the neon pink ink. I want _everyone_ to see this."

Severus sat quietly in his office, reading a book called Chicken Soup For the Soul. He'd bought it at a Muggle shop out of pure curiosity. That and it sounded like cheap porn.

"What rubbish." He sneered, and threw it into the fire. The flames flashed purple.

Presently, he heard a commotion outside. It sounded like a student screaming. Footsteps pounded above him on the first floor. It sounded quite like a mob was forming.

He jumped as someone began to bang urgently on his door. He swept over indignantly, and suddenly a picture of Voldemort flashed in his mind. His hand froze on the handle.

_Oh fuck it_, He thought_, I'm getting to old for this_.

The door lurched open, and in ran a naked young man. He knocked Severus into his desk chair and put his ass in Severus' face. Severus screamed, then read the neon message spread over to wide, luscious cheeks.

FRATERNITY PARTY TONIGHT AT THE SHRIEKING SHACK. WE GUARANTEE FREE SHRIEKS ALL NIGHT. BEER AND DRUGS, LOTS OF GIRLS (OR GUYS). RESTRICTED TO SIXTH YEARS AND UP, PROFESSORS INVITED. BE THERE OR BE A VIRIGIN.

"Well, isn't that juicy." Severus whispered, grinning. How did all of this get past Dumbledore?

"Yes, it is. I just got the implants two days ago. Would you like to touch it?" The man asked, gesturing to his bum. Severus was revolted.

"No, that's disgusting! And just who the hell are you anyways?"

"Why, my name is Dumblewhore. I already know who you are." He smiled.

"Right. I see the drinking has already begun. Two hundred points off whatever house you come from. Now get the fuck out of my office." Severus spat.

"Whatever man." The guy muttered. As soon as he left, Severus grabbed his cape and set off for the Shrieking Shack.

It was a strange sight, the Shack. And it was truly shrieking, just as they had guaranteed. Beer bottles and pipes littered the front lawn, condoms rained from trees as people screamed, and bras and panties hung out of windows. There was loud music coming from the inside.

Hooligans, Severus thought. And he made his way inside.

Dumblewhore was getting nervous. Harry had promised him, and he hadn't seen Draco all night. He popped another X pill. Damn, those things made him fly. He began to jump up and down. He finally stopped when he saw Draco walk through the door.

Wow, Draco's having his first slow-motion entrance, Dumblewhore thought. Everything stopped and a strange, girlish music played in the background as he stopped and smiled at everyone. Then the people turned back to what they were doing and it went on just like before.

"Draco!" Dumblewhore said gleefully, running up to him. "Would you like some X? What about tequila? Oh, and we have shrooms, too."

"Um….maybe some shrooms, thanks." Draco said, patting his stomach. "I want something gentle that won't hurt the baby."

"Alright." Dumblewhore went over to Hermione's drug stand. She already had two full sacks off galleons behind the counter.

"Oh god, Albus. We've got to do this more often." She laughed joyously as she took a sixth year's cash.

"I told you, it's Dumblewhore." He hissed, leaning in closely. "And could we get some shrooms for Draco?"

Hermione's face hardened. Her lips became pursed. "Very well." She said coldly. She handed him the pot. "Ten galleons, please." He handed her the gold and went back to Draco, also grabbing two beers from Pansy Parksinon and Padma Patil, who were having lesbian sex on the couch.

"Thanks." Draco smiled as Dumblewhore handed him beer and pot. "Let's go upstairs, shall we?"

Dumblewhore became quite aware that he was half-up, and would probably get to full mast before they got up the steps. "Of course." He said, knowing this would be a very satisfying night indeed.

"Granger?" Severus asked as he walked over to her. "What the bloody hell are you doing?"

"Selling drugs. Want some?" she asked, holding out a bag of white powder.

"Depends. What is that?"

"Cocaine."

"Oh, well I suppose, for old times sake." He said wistfully, and grabbed the bag, remembering when he and Lucius had first gotten stoned. Then they had had sex, and he had only known that because the next morning he was bleeding from his ass. He fished out twenty galleons and dumped them on the counter.

"I think I'll have some myself. I was just closing up shop anyways." With a wave of her wand, she made the selling station disappear. A line of disappointed kids screamed in protest, and began making their way over to the liquor stand. "It's way too loud in here. Let's go upstairs."

"What would people think, Granger?"

"That we're having sex."

"Exactly."

"What, you mean we're not?"

"Goddamn. Let's just go before I change my mind. But I won't have sex with you."

"Fine. But you don't know what you're missing." She grinned. For some reason, Severus actually thought about that statement.

They went up into the dark upper floor of the shack, and finally found a room that was empty, after walking in on three really quiet couples. _It's probably the heroine_, Severus thought, _making them that quiet_.

The empty room had a desk with three legs, propped up against the wall, a battered window seat, and a dusty old bed. They sat on the tattered rug in front of the bed and fished their drugs out. They began to snort the drugs quietly. It made Severus almost long for his childhood, which took a lot. He began to wonder why the room was changing colors, and why the desk was dancing.

"Granger, I never told you, but you're a sexy know-it-all." He blurted.

"Snape, I never told you, but you're a greasy asshole."

"Let's make love."

"Right-o."

He picked her up and laid her down on the bed very carefully, which creaked ominously but still stood bravely up. They undressed slowly, lingering in the moment. He laid on top of her, giggling like a horny lesbian schoolgirl, which was really what he was at heart anyways.

"I love you, Granger." He whispered as he approached an orgasm. He realized that even though he was drugged, this was something that he meant. That scared him but it exploded inside of him as well.

Oh no, wait, that really was just his orgasm.

"I love you too." She whispered, biting her lip and fighting a moan. She kissed him passionately, then they separated and fell asleep.

Next door, Draco and Dumblewhore were both awoken by Draco's scream.

"It's coming! The baby is coming!" He yelled.

Dumblewhore fainted.


	11. A Baby Named Fuck

Chapter 11

A Baby Named Fuck, Manhood Lost, and Many, Many Tootsie Rolls

Severus awoke to the smell of Mudblood. He sniffed, his nose wrinkling, then opened his eyes.

"GAH!" he yelled. Hermione rolled over, grinning.

"What's the fuss about, honey?" She asked cutely.

Severus grimaced. No one called him honey. No one. Not even Mrs. Norris…well perhaps, but that had only been one night, and….he had been…well, desperately horny to be perfectly honest, and there she was, just standing innocently in the broom closet, licking her asshole….

Ah. Off track.

"Yeah! That's fucking depressing isn't it? You have no life and just watch south park 24/7 don't you? You have absolutely nothing to do in your life besides watch south park because it's your god right? You worship it don't you? You fucking slave, of course you do. Fuckin piss off. Go jack off to some fat kid singing about fat bitches. Because that kinda stuff just sets you off doesn't it? Slut. That's all you are. A slut in this world. A Korean one, at that. You don't even use a fork to eat food, you fucking Asian. You Asians think they're so smart when in reality, how smart can they be when the eat with two fucking wooden sticks? Good job, dumbass. Go eat some spicy shrimp rolls at the fucking Japanese restaurant. Oh, I'm so sorry, your not Japanese, how dare me. How the hell would I know. I can't tell the difference between you fucking slitty eyed bitches. God stop moaning about every thing I say. Fuckin oriental. Go back to your homeland, and suck on Buddha's fat belly button. You fucking whore, I know you want to. Your dying to. But you can't, because your parents are on life support aren't they? Yes, they are fucking Schiavo clones aren't they? Fucking vegetables. You know the real reason why they're on life support? No, it's not because of that so called "car accident", oh no, of

course not, its really because they both smoked a fuckload of crack cocaine. Yeah, that's right, soak it in you fat Korean nerd slut. Soak in the facts. Let the facts pour down on you like fucking miso soup. God, I hate those green little shits in the miso soup they give at Japanese restaurants. Fuckin seaweed. Without the sea." Severus hollered. He gasped for breath while Hermione looked hurt and extremely disturbed.

(A/N: Thanks to one of my lovely reviewers for that inspiring and disturbing flame The flame is the outburst that Snape just emitted to Hermione, if you didn't catch it. It's so lovely to have a way to recycle flames, don't you think? Thanks again!)

"But…I'm not oriental." Hermione whimpered, her lip quivering. Snape looked down, ashamed.

"No, you're not. I'm sorry. I really don't know where that came from. What I was going to say originally is that you have a bug on your nose." He pointed. She flicked it away.

"Okay. Well, want to have some sex?" she asked, grinning.

"No, I'm hungry. Let's go downstairs and get some of those Tootsie Rolls that Muggle boy had." He beckoned, helping her out of bed. As they walked to the door, he felt her up, and immediately regretted his suggestion about the Tootsie Rolls. But it was really too late to ignore. "Granger, why didn't you tell me you had a third breast?" he asked randomly.

"Oh, not many people know. Especially since it's located on the back of my neck." She explained. "It's so small, most people think the nipple is a mole."

"Wow. Anyways…" They went out into the hallway. The sound of a baby crying was carrying through the door of the room next door. Curiously, Severus went over and burst through the door, still tired enough to not think about the scene on which he could have walked in on.

Draco was sitting there with a baby in his arms, and Dumblewhore was looking unusually green. Extremely green.

"Dumblewhore, what happened to you?" Hermione asked.

Dumblewhore vomited, then looked up at them. "Oh, just got careless with the hair dye. And Draco gave birth. God, that was something I'll never –" he vomited again, weakly. "-forget."

"Girl or boy, Draco?" Hermione asked casually, almost forgetting it was her child as well.

"Hermione," Draco beamed, swelling with pride. "It's a transvestite!"

Severus was nearly knocked over suddenly as Hermione fell limp in his arms.

Hermione awoke to the sounds of oohs, awes, and Oh-my-fucking-gods. A crowd of people stood around Draco and his baby, intrigued, repulsed, and, in Neville's case, turned on. _It's a goddamned baby_, Hermione thought. _At least wait until it's ten, you child molester. _

"Oh, you're awake." Snape said. He had his hand on the back of her neck and was rubbing it.

"Ow, stop it, it's tender." She said, shoving his hand away. "I think I'm getting my period."

"Oh, me too." Draco spoke up. "I think I need some drugs. And chocolate."

"Aye aye, cap'n." Hermione replied, sounding rather butch for a second. Then Snape saw the lines of her thong under her robe and he felt better.

"Oh my gawd, it is soooooooo cute. What'll you name it, sweetie?" Ron asked, running his fingers through his blonde hair. Viktor was giving Kaozi a munchkin BJ in the corner, and they were both to busy to notice.

"Um….how about Finch Ulysses Candace Kilmer?" He smiled.

"Well, the problem with that is that its initials will spell out FUCK." Ron said.

"That's not a problem, that's brill." Blaise said. "A baby named FUCK. Everyone'll love it! Especially Madame Pomfrey, she's a Dominatrix you know."

"Really?" asked Harry. "I'll have to check that out for myself." He smirked, ignoring the glare McGonagall was giving him.

"Alright then. I christen thee, Finch Ulysses Candace Kilmer, or FUCK for short." Draco said, holding the baby up.

"You know, FUCK is such a versatile word. I think it's a sign that FUCK will be sexually versatile." Goyle said stupidly.

"Nice try for smart, Goyle, but you just missed it. FUCK being sexually versatile was noticeable from the start, since it's a transvestite." Harry pointed out.

"Yeah Goyle, go get stoned and have sex with Ginny again, that's always entertaining." Snape smirked. Harry looked over at him, surprised he had been quite through all of this. For once, Snape had actually impressed him.

"Harry, I really have to take a piss. Where's the bathroom?" Hermione asked.

"Down the hall, to the left, third door." He pointed, and Hermione ran off, clutching her vagina. Snape smirked again.

"Stop smirking, it makes you look like your wanking off." Dumblewhore said.

"What? But I –"

"Have a Tootsie Roll." Dumblewhore hurled the bag at him, and it hit him square on the nose, causing it to swell up, rebel, and jump off his face. Snape clutched the empty socket where it had been.

"You bastard, you made my nose run away!" Snape cried. Dumblewhore laughed, noticing Snape's usually velvety voice was horribly slurred by the absence of his nasal instrument.

"Oh, don't be a bitch. Have some cocaine. Oh, that's right, you can't snort it!" Dumblewhore jeered, and the whole group erupted in laughter. "Oh yeah, I said it, twenty points to the house of Gryfinnwhore!"

"You call _me_ a bitch." Snape muttered mutedly. He took a Tootsie Roll and shoved it up Dumblewhore's ass. He had hoped the man would howl with pain, but as it happened he did the exact opposite and begged for more.

"You disgust me." He snarled. "Ever since you took those Youth Potions you've become a complete and total arse."

"And I like it in the arse, too." Dumblewhore grinned, wiggling his eyebrows.

"What's all the fuss about?" Hermione asked. She had returned from the lavatory and now stood at Snape's side.

"He's a fucking imbecile." Snape said, pointing at Dumblewhore.

"Now, why would you say such a thing, Severus? I think we have some repressed anger that we need to deal with." Dumblewhore insisted, making a steeple of his fingers. He stared at Snape for a good five minutes while the room was so silent you could have heard a pubic hair drop. Then Snape cracked.

"Daddy didn't love me!" he cried as he burst into tears. He blew his nose (or rather, where his nose used to be) in his hair, and the group shuddered. "I-I never got any hugs!"

"Um….Severus? I didn't really care about any crap you had with your dad…I was just trying to fuck with your mind." Dumblewhore admitted. Snape immediately tried to stifle the sobs.

"Oh….yes, of course, I knew that! Just – just leave me alone! Waaaah!" He cried dramatically as he ran from the room, weeping. Hermione looked turned off. Really, really turned off.

"He's fucked up." Harry said.

"Yeah. And he runs like a girl." Roger Davies pointed out.

"That's because I cut off his balls and penis last night. Hope he didn't notice." Came a voice from behind them all. Footsteps echoed in the dark hallway, and a tall man with graying chestnut hair and smirking brown eyes emerged into the light.

"Professor Lupin?" the group cried in unison and shock.

"Yes, I have returned. I have returned to announce that I stole Severus' manhood in the night, because I was jealous that he fucked Hermione. So now it is in a jar that I keep under my pillow for those long, cold nights." He cocked a gun that he had. His wand appeared to be inside of his ass along with a number of other things, including carrots and screwdrivers. The crowd flinched at the sound of the cock. "Of course you all understand that."

"Yes, Professor." They answered in unison again, all staring at his gun. Though most were wizards, they knew of the power he held in his hands, and didn't question it.

"Now," he said, rubbing the barrel of the gun. "Who has the Tootsie Rolls?"

Dumblewhore flung them his way, and Lupin caught them with one hand. He unwrapped one with his tongue and ate it. Ginny began to stare, mesmerized by what his tongue could do, but Goyle, however stupid, knew of the possible consequences and grabbed her possessively by the crotch. At first she gave him a weird look, but then she merely smiled blissfully.

"I have what I want." He said, gesturing to the bag. "I'll be going now. Thank you all. And not a word about me holding Severus' manhood hostage, alright?"

"Yes." They all said. Then Lupin was off into the shadows again, Tootsie Rolls and all.

"He used to be such a strapping you lad." Dumblewhore sighed, and then all was silent. Until Goyle farted.


End file.
